What Intuitive Eating MEans to ME
This is MY journey with health both physically and spiritually. No one should follow what I do because I am unique just as you are unique.
I have few picture of myself from my childhood. We were not a big picture taking family and I was ashamed of my body from a very early age. When I now look at those few and far between pictures, I see a sweet happy child with a lovely healthy round face, long blonde hair and soft brown eyes. But in those days in the early seventies, round was ugly. Twiggy ruled the runways and the fashion magazine covers. Weight Watchers and similar groups arose that were designed to not only shame us into being thin, but publicly humiliate us if we did not lose at least a pound every week or heaven forbid gain a quarter of a pound. A quarter of a pound…imagine… there are so called restaurants that serve that tiny amount of meat on a bun…but gaining that much in a week’s time was a crime!
As the planet has shifted, so has WW and many of the others industry leaders. They now call it lifestyle plans, wellness plans etc. But in the end their aim is to help people lose weight and to make a profit from it.
Please know I am not against these new iterations in the weight loss and wellness industry, many people including myself have been very successful in meeting their goals and have gained both knowledge about nutrition and insight into their own behaviors around food.
It took me many years of anguish, major surgery that has changed my anatomy forever and a spiritual awakening to fully understand my relationship to food. The food I eat now, nourishes my body, mind and spirit.
I was eleven years old when my pediatrician put me on diet pills. Yup speed in the classroom sanctioned by the medical community. My parents truly thought they were doing what was best for me, because the phrase I most often heard from strangers and family alike was “She has such a pretty face but…”
But truly it has made me into the person I am today, so no regrets. It was my path to follow.
From then on I was on every diet imaginable with varying success if that could be measured by how much weight I lost. The weight loss would never last long and I just got more and more unhealthy. By age 22 I was a full blown diabetic (there is still some uncertainty according to my endocrinologist if it is a hybrid form of Type 1 and Type 2). I was immediately put on insulin but was told if I could lose some weight, I could go off the insulin and onto oral medications, which I did. They made me quite sick and the side effects served to fuel my anxiety and depression. I was up and down in weight moving from oral agents to insulin and back, but mostly on insulin. When I wanted to get pregnant those medications had not been well tested on pregnant women, so I was back on insulin this time for good.
I never minded being on insulin because this control freak could control my blood sugar with just a prick or two or three of a needle. The only problem is that insulin makes you hungry and uncontrolled overeating makes you fat which worsens your diabetes. Vicious.
So one day I found myself weighing somewhere over 300 pounds (I would never get on a scale to look), my blood sugars unknown because I never tested, but surely out of control because all of the side effects of unconrolled diabetes began to show up. Neuropathy of the hands and feet, poor circulation, digestive disorders, reproductive disorders and worsening eyesight; my worst fear which included the beginning of cataracts in my late 40s.
I was so unhappy, not just because of my weight but for many other reasons as well that I developed an eating disorder. Not Bulimia, not Anorexia, but a persistent overeating of mostly carbohydrates that I could not control. That picture of myself in 2009 was a real eye opener and I began to try to lose weight by any means necessary. Name it, I tried it. I could practically lecture on nutrition — I just couldn’t follow my own advice. Plain chicken breasts and cottage cheese were my staples. Unflavored zero fat anything filled my refrigerator and pantry. Every success was short lived and with each failure I fell into a deep depression and a deeper abyss of self loathing and self pitying. I finally realized that my only option at this point was weight loss surgery. Two failed expensive Lap Band surgeries later I finally had a full Gastric Bypass. This year long process of evaluations and tests was done in Canada where it was covered as a necessary medical procedure, thank goodness.
I went down to 175 pounds and my health improved immensely but once again thought that that was not good enough, because when I joined Weight Watchers for community after I moved to the US, I was told that I should be 150 lbs, but they would allow me to be 155 lbs to be a lifetime member! The shiny gold key, the one where I would only have to weigh myself once a month and if I was more than two pounds under or over this BMI scientifically significant weight, I would lose my status and have to come every week and eat plain chicken breasts again until I was once again, a good girl. (This was before they became WW).
I finally let that go but working at a stressful job and then the fear when the pandemic hit, I found myself back into an unhealthy weight for me. This nasty pandemic, this ongoing pandemic made me both crazy with fear and full on wrestled me into a spiritual awakening I thought I was not ready for. (I’ll save that for another story). So I tried Keto. I’m sure it’s great for some people, but I was going into diabetic ketoacidosis so…
My obession with the news had me barely eating anything of nutritional significance. My weight dropped and so did all my muscle tone when my knees finally gave out from overexercising. I was thin, dry and unhealthy. I knew this could be bad, I was having a number of low blood sugars which led to high spikes and I could not, would not ask for help.
It all changed when I started to value myself once again. My daughter needed me. I found a new purpose to my life both as a wife and mother and as a person on a spiritual journey. I found myself eating better by using my rediscovered intuition. I already knew how many carbs, protein, fats I needed to fuel my body. I just had to let myself eat these precious nutrients when and in what form that best suited me for each day.
I discovered that some food that are considered healthy for many people, were not for me. I can eat only the tiniest amount of nuts and seeds, (seeds from fruit and vegetables as well) am better off with white bread and white rice although sourdough seems to be the best for me. I eat cake. I love cake. I am obsessed with Tres Leches cake and I eat it when I want it. I take the proper amount of insulin to cover those carbs and the fast acting spike that will occur. I eat fat, proper amounts of fat so that my hair does not fall out and my skin is becoming restored. I eat every kind of protein including small amounts of fatty pork and beef. I no longer eat poulty and I keep trying tofu in every form in every type of cuisine, but it’s a struggle. I’m not fond of many of the substitutes so I drink protein shakes when I must. I eat fruit and vegetables every day. I drink lots of water and I have very little caffeine. Chocolate is a treat and I still have some of the indigestion and lower digestive track issues, but they are getting better every day. My knee pain is minimal, I can now walk the dogs once a day and soon I will have a beautiful salt water lap pool to aid me to get not only my fitness back but the fitness of my beloved husband and daughter.
My blood sugars are mostly in a range considered to be pre-diabetic and I now only take small amounts of insulin. I weigh in the 160–165 range and keep finding old clothes in the closet that I thought I would never fit into again. Best of all, 9 months ago I went to a new opthamologist. My eyes and the associated diseases were getting better as my blood sugar was better controlled. I had my 6 month check up a copule of months ago. To both the surprise of the doctor and myself, my eyes are perfect. Well I now need reading glasses of course but there are no bleeding blood vessels, no glaucoma, nothing. He confirmed that my eyes are perfect for a women my age and amazing for a women who has lived with diabetes for over 40 years.
I am incredibly grateful every day.
